The voyuer

Why are we drawn back to the scenes of these crimes? 

If they really don't outline your body when you die why is their powder on my clothes.  You can trace my wandering back to the past.  I desire closure, internally demanding it, but too much of a coward to ask for it.  I dehumanized all of you... in order to forget your impact...when in all actuality my conscience was playing devil's advocate.  I will never understand those blinks of a moment when the current was there but nothing lit. 

Nor will I ever conceive why you slathered your desperation all over me, extruding your stomach, in attempts to digest your ultimate goal.  In your case, I only had myself to blame.  I dumbly lured another with far more experience than my own.  My dissociative fugue can only save me from minimal guilt, because under the skin, I knew I was in control.  I am your peeping tom.  I comb these pages with bounding guilt, hoping I did not damage you..yet menacingly hoping I did....

 I dehumanize.  You are air.  I never appreciate you.  I never even consider what you give. You are something which no longer bounds my vision. I only think of the pathogens you carry.

I love him, and I have no doubt.  I only return to these bounded yellow membranes to investigate.....for selfish satisfaction...for admittance.......even for an apology

These thoughts never plague me at night...but they do reoccur when I am alone, walking home...tantalizing...teasing with those bitter tongues....

I wander if you ever cursed me for being so difficult
I wonder if you ever thought I despised you....and you were right ...I did...because I never understood any of you

Do you wonder if I forgive you...of course (with fingers caressing behind the seam of my back)

Currently Listening RoadKillOvercoat By Busdriver see related

Brokeback Mountain

The cut on my finger broke open again...it keeps breaking open

Blood wells to the brim and flows over, spilling its contents all over my olive jacket....smearing my identity all over that jacket

I can't really fathom how I entered upon the fringes of it all.  I walked here out of curiousity, peering to see around the corner.  Now I seem to have boxed myself in.

Who knew whimsical childhood budded into turbulent adolescence, which led into this estuary of the obsolete.  One day your sphere of wants is endless, the next you are sneered upon routine.  It's interesting how comfortable routine is.  Routine is a dependable beaten path I follow day in and out.  My mind ceases to expand and stays frozen inside this obssession of motions; first stack the large dinner plates, then the small plates, then stick the bowls in order on top of the plates, place in sink, then put the silverware next to the dishes, scatter cups accordingly as space allows, squeeze the soap evenly over the pile, then fill with water... turn the to sink to the left, fill with a cap full of bleach, then add hot water, do the dishes...put in the drainer, unload...repeat.  I wonder about philosphy...I wonder about theory... I wonder whether I should say hi to someone I see outside of work....but I can't escape the slate clearing satisfaction of house chores.  With the mind a blank, I sprinkle the Arm and Hammer on the carpet. 

I wonder if the earth will spit my bones back out when I die.  I wonder why the word 'Communism' has been appearing so often...and why it bothers me so much. 

And still..it keeps breaking open.

The Big Sleep

The Monkey King

I'm currently listening to the TALKING HEADS STOP MAKING SENSE...if anyone cares

well I took time out of my evening yesterday to give an informed account of my situation and it was expelled into never after the internet levee broke...still waiting on FEMA...repose on the roof top..

SO...for your enjoyment or displeasure..I'll attempt to capture the essence of my ponderings...

Walk with me

I've found that motivation comes from nowhere...amazing...I wasn't even trying and it came to me.  For once, I can say in the three years of college I've got some definition direction, objectives, course, ebb and flow to what I want..

First of all..My NEW LOVE AFFAIR:

Yes...as simple as the action of waking up one day..and almost as quickly..I'm fairly certain that I want to dedicate my life to studying TURTLES!!!!!!!!!!

Somehow an area of my brain has come into its own and is asserting itself....

Another hobby brooding on the brain is this innate NEED to quilt.  This siren song could lead me to a local senior citizen's quilting circle if I don't tie myself down... I've purchased books, read them, and am preparing to start purchasing my supplies...of course I'm not going to simply replicate crazy quilts, log cabins, and pin wheels...no I hope to bring a modern touch to them...with my first applique project being a full skeleton with a Dia De Los Muertos theme...blah blah blah

I'm taking a Chinese Lit class this semester....quite fascinating!  IF you really want to step out of your Christian bubble...I suggest checking out the prose from the East...any way you analyze it...you're probably wrong..because you're not a Buddhist...its a great way to check yourself....and realize how much of your thinking (despite the fact of being an atheist) is influenced by Christian ideas..neaterrific!

By the way...did anyone watch the State of the Union Address??  HOLY SHIT...I think that's the only time I've heard the president address Africa/Darfur...although it was only a second blip in an hour speech..

I don't think I want to go into my rant about protesters/extremists/and the crazy hipster kids that embody all that...who knows..I may turn the mirror on myself ...if I'm not careful..FUCK CHA!